Author Archives: nlunn

I gave God an ultimatum!

This is His event. He called me to it. He inspired me. He never calls people to things they can’t do. At the beginning of the day I was missing four actors and if no one came forward I would need to rethink the whole thing. So I sat with some friends and said “There’s nothing else I can do except wait for people to come to me with interest.” I held out hope for one person who, unfortunately can’t perform as he’s in a show next week. This was it. God needed to provide or I’d take it as a prompting to re-look at the event.

‘Do not test Lord your God’ (Deut 6:16)

I know, I know! But how else are we going to find out what He’s doing? I wouldn’t even call it testing. I laid the situation at His feet and said “I can’t do anything without you and I trust that your way is best.”

Silence from God was kept until lunch time when I went home to do some work and preparation for a meeting. I sat down at my computer and cried out “Ok. You can do anything you like. It’s the silence that’s killing me!” I logged onto my emails and there was one email from an actor in Durham interested in the piece. I have heard about this guy and he’s doing a whole heap of work in the theatre scene in Durham. He reminds me of a younger me when I was writing, performing, directing, producing, touring and studying all at once (those were the days!) It was great news he could be involved in the piece.

It was also a great encouragement. God’s silence was broken and I reflected on this for a bit.

My major problem is I can rely on myself too much. I’m skilled at things and can do things to high standard without much trouble. The question is: Is this a talent or a gift from God. Some would argue that God creates all people and gifts them with everything. Whether you are a Christian, Muslim, Jew or Atheist, God has created you and given you giftings and talents. So what’s the difference between God’s spiritual gifts and God’s talents? God gives good gifts to all people. God blesses those gifts with power for eternal significance by His Holy Spirit given to those who accept Him.

Before I gave my life to following Christ I was good at things. I was intelligent, talented, charming. Most things I did went well and I worked hard and saw results. I could carry on boasting of achievements and that’s the point. I didn’t need God. I could live a successful life without Him. Then I realized that my drive for success and fame was damaging my relationships with people and destroying friendships. I was rude, harsh and cruel to people around me. I’d use people and manipulate them so I could further myself. It was through this that God revealed my need of Him.

Now that I am a disciple I struggle to keep dependant on Him. I rely on my strength and my skill to get things done and to do them well. But I want what I do to have eternal significance to last, to effect people in a deep way and there’s no way I can do that without God. I’ve tried and I’ve failed, every time. Plays I have directed and produced, poems, articles I have written all well structured and well done but none making a lasting impact on people’s lives. It was when I started relying on God that this added dimension to stuff I did started occurring. I know how to use environments to evoke responses from audience (see Manipulating Response post) but to make an eternal impact and evoke a response on a deep level I have to leave it to God.

With this event I could create a great performance and give people a nice warm fussy feeling during it. I could get people to think about stuff and they can make some intellectual jumps but I want people to see God. To achieve this high aim is difficult if not impossible because only God can reveal Himself and only God can bless the event and only God can give it its eternal significance. I felt it was important that I didn’t use members of the college community (see Any Given Friday (part I) post) and so went to the theatre community in Durham. This could have been the wrong choice and I prayed about it a lot but God has a plan.

I’m thinking a lot about how theatre can do church but I must also remember how the church can speak into the theatre world. God uses theatre to change peoples lives; I’ve seen it happen. God uses the skills of actors, designers, writers and directors to give the Word, to embody Truth and to connect with people’s deeper recesses of the soul. But it is God who does it! There’s no way we can do it. In this piece God will bless the actors and use them and in using them reveal Himself.

God’s hand is moving in this piece, in the preparation and the friendships that are starting. I continue to pray that I will rely on Him and look forward to seeing Him reveal Himself again to all who meet next week… next week!!!!!!!

A short post today to keep you updated…

Had a meeting with the Succentor today (“one who sings second”… In English cathedrals today the priest responsible for liturgy and music is usually the Precentor, but some cathedrals, such as St Paul’s and Durham, retain a Succentor as well.) He is a lovely man and one of those people who holds both authoritarian persona with love and calm. I needed to go over the event planned for next week to check the practicalities with him and to get his ‘blessing’ on it. I was worried that this meeting may be the end of the plans and I would have to go back to the drawing board on the whole thing. He was very positive about it! The whole meeting was easy and smooth, no compromises were needed. I left thankful for God’s provision.

I went straight to email the college chaplain with the publicity and check it through with her. She was very excited about the project and was very helpful.

So why does this all need to be said?

I’m still struggling to get a cast. All the other aspects of the event are fitting together smoothly and people are excited about it. So why is it difficult to find some people to perform the monologues. I’m keen to get students from outside the community to be involved due to the potential impact that that may have. The emailed I received over the weekend (see Any Given Friday (part IV) post) encouraged me and seemed to hint to me I was doing the right thing but I maybe wrong. In the past when I have faced difficulties in projects it has turned out that it was a warning to stop but other times they have been something I needed to work through. It comes down to your opinion on opposition to God’s will.

God gave humans free will in order that our love would be genuine. There’s a story I always find helpful in explanation:

There was once a king who ran his kingdom with strength and peace. Once, when travelling through his kingdom, he saw a beautiful girl in a village. As he passed by he couldn’t take his eyes off her and when he got back to his palace he couldn’t stop thinking about her. So he called his chief counselor and said, “I have fallen in love and would like her brought to me so she can become my wife. Go and find her and bring her to me.” The counselor turned to the king and said, “Sire, if I may say; I will go and get her for you and you will get married. In a few years, however, you will begin to ask the question, “Does she really love me?” She may love you but you will never know as she didn’t have the choice.” The king thought for a moment and then said, “Very well. Go and find her and ask her if she will marry me. Then she will have the choice to marry me or not.” The counselor again said to the king, “Sire, if I may say; If I go to her and ask she may say ‘yes’ and I will bring her back to the palace and live here. In a few years, however, you will still begin to ask the question, “Does she really love me?” She may love you but as you are the king with all this finery and power you will never know if she really loves you or if she is scared of saying ‘no’.” The king again thought and asked, “What should I do?” The counselor said, “Go yourself, to her village, take off your crown and all your power. Get to know her as a person and allow her to get to know you. Then when the time comes, ask her.” “Good” said the king. “Oh, and Sire,” said the counselor, “If she says ‘no’ do not tell her who you are.”

This story paints a good understanding of why God gave us free will.

What’s this got to do with anything?

With free will there is some opposition, therefore, with God’s will and design. We could get into a discussion about pre-destination and free will but this is not the forum to do so. What I want to say is, when praying for an outcome, you need to hold in tension the idea of God’s will and human will which may or may not be aligned. We can almost never guarantee God’s will (we can have an educated and prayful stab in the dark!) so when opposition to mission comes about how are we to respond? Give up and claim it’s God’s will to go in another direction? Keep going and claim it’s a test of faith? Or is there another way?

I have been watchful during this process to take one step at a time and respond to God’s prompting. I have been blessed with encouragements and a strong sense of blessing on it. This, as we have seen, could easily be misdirected. We can get in such knots about hearing God’s voice. What is the right response? Do I hold out and continue to pray? When is the right time to stop praying for people and try and discern what God is doing?

I’m going to spend some time this evening praying and listening, taking in all that’s happened, look back over this account of the project and see where God is directing me to. I will continue to pray for people to come forward, as I believe this is what God is wanting, but I will be prepared for God to step in and give me a fresh glimpse at His vision for this event. In the end its His and He can do it, I’m just blessed enough to be invited along for the ride.

Onto my knees I go!

I went to see a show last night called ‘Spring Awakening’ with a friend from college. We had both come from a day in the prison as part of our ‘Faith Sharing Weekend’ (see Any Given Friday (part IV) post) and had both found it really tough. As I sat in the auditorium (which was a converted lecture hall in our college) I tried to search my memory as to when I have seen this play before. I couldn’t, and still can’t, remember but I remember finding it hard to follow. The play is a typical Germanic text of the 19th century. I say this because it was like watching Woyzeck by Buchner or a Brecht play done in a naturalistic style. The Germans in the 19th century and beyond produced work that wrestled with ideas and intellectual rationale. To translate these texts and to keep the poetic nature of the original is extremely hard because the ideas are confusing enough without having to deal with translation.

I reflected on the way home on my day in the prison and in particular a conversation I had with one of the inmates there. We discussed at length our different beliefs and he strongly believed in honour and protecting your own. He was a religious man and his faith believed in ‘a brotherhood’ As we discussed and wrestled with ideas I became increasingly aware that we were flinging hypothetical ideas around and trying to find the rational and concrete.

‘Spring Awakening’ is more like watching an argument being set out than a play about characters. Each character comes to represent a certain view point and they are all shown on stage and, as an audience member, you need to pick a side. The Germanic plays of the past have often erred on the side of the Brechtian ideals of being separate and rational from the story, even before Brecht came along. It meant that the characters weren’t having normal conversations people questioned and argued their view of the world and engaged in huge topics. This is well and good but there comes a point where you end up going round in circles.

I found myself in this conversation with a prisoner and we were going round in circles trying to understand in our heads. He talked about how to ‘survive’ prison. He believed it was done by a strong mindset and focussing your mind. I’m sure this is true and he finds that useful but there will come a point in all our lives when we a pushed to the edge and we’ll crack. We’ll all get to our Calvary when everything is too much and we can’t rely on ourselves any more. It’s at this moment when Christ is at His most powerful. This is the moment when He says “I’ve been here and I’ve got through this. Only me. Come and I’ll give you strength to face up to this.” This is the moment when all words fail, when all rational argument and well thought out philosophies fail and it comes down to experience of grace. For the moment this prisoner can handle life with his philosophy but the Christian faith tells us that philosophy is great to a point but there are moments in life when those need to be tested and all fall short. The only thing that can stand is glory of God. Philosophy, ideals, structured arguments all of them are man made and none will defeat the pain of death only God can do that.

The play is a mish mash of arguments and I’m not sure what the playwrite was siding on. I left the play feeling confused as to what I was to think or feel. I felt depressed about the nature of the world as we saw it, everyone trying to argue their point of view and each one failing. I walked through the streets on a Saturday night, came across fights outside pubs, drunks vomiting in alleys, I was reminded of the stories in the prison and wanted to scream “All have fallen short of the glory of God.”

More and more I think of the words of my monastic ball of intensity who I shared this play with and the meal last week (see Wrestling With Truth (part II) post)

Claim innocence and worship God.

As for my ministry in the theatre… I’d love to be able to create a space where we come to realise that arguments are nothing compared to the experience of God’s glory and power in the face of death. I don’t want the worship/ workshop room to be a place to sit around and argue (it has been found wanting) rather to sit around and tell the stories of how we found our Calvary and discovered the only hope for salvation is the risen Lord.

Here endeth the lesson.

I’m currently in the middle of a ‘Faith Sharing Weekend’ which is a chance for students to engage in mission in a more focussed way. My group have been sent to Durham Prison. When I am finished I will write some reflections but at the moment it’s still raw and a haze of activity; I’m sure you’ll understand.

So why am I writing?

I received an email today from the guy who auditioned for Any Given Friday. I want to protect his privacy so will be vague about specifics. The e mail came after a day in which I collapsed on my sofa after a very intense day in the prison and was overwhelmed with… ‘darkness of the spirit’? I want to just dwell on this for a moment before moving onto the email, if I may.

In the ‘Faith Sharing Weekend’ I’m going to be performing three sections of a short play that myself and a colleague have written. It looks at the thief who is crucified next to Christ and is the first to be welcomed into paradise. It takes in the morning he dies, the road to Calvary and on the cross. It’s a complex piece with sensitivity needing to be given to the audience of prisoners. The character is manic and aggressive and as the day goes on will ease into the moment of his proclamation of a belief in Jesus. As my mind is cluttered with three separate large events bubbling away in my head and some essays on the back burner, I’m finding it difficult to get my head into the script, which is also still in a fluid state. Yesterday I was positively freaking out about not remembering the lines and this made me completely deaf to the needs of everyone I came into contact. I became completely self centred and most conversations revolved around my problem (which is extremely minor compared to others!)

At the end of the afternoon spent in the prison the group and I gathered round a meal to gather our experiences and to pray for the people we had met. I was struck then, as I was during the afternoon, of the gifting of my group. Several of them are really good at starting conversations with strangers, something I struggle with, and most of them are great encouragers. For me, a person who struggles with pride, is extremely attracted to this elements of people and I often fall back into, particularly when I’m tired, manipulating people into encouraging me.

When I got home I rang my wife (who was away visiting family) and spent some time reflecting on my day. I was so aware of my many failings and how I had acted all day. I had not been following Christ, I had manipulated people, missed out on opportunities on sharing in other people’s lives, lacked faith in God’s provision, panicked and basically hindered God in my life. As I started to beat myself up I slipped even further into this ‘darkness’. I condemned myself and this made it even worse.

I opened up my emails and found this guy’s email. It started by giving me his choice of monologues for Any Given Friday but then quickly moved onto explaining that he wouldn’t consider himself a Christian and he had concerns about being involved in this event because ‘I’m not sure if it would be sacrilegious for someone who’s not a Christian to be so involved in celebrating such an important event?’ What sensitivity! When I first read the email I was so encouraged and really felt like God was encouraging me in my ministry and was showing me that He was with me. Then the questions, paranoia and self centred condemnation started again… What if this is just an excuse to not be involved and the voice inside saying “He’s wanting to find the way out of this project and, although, he expressed interest in exploring faith he’s not interested.”

I was struck by how all of us face doubts about ourselves and it’s a fine balance between knowing our own weakness in order to rely on the strength of Christ and the feeling of being convicted of sin and the need of repentance. As this ministry begins to move onto a new stage in its existence is it any wonder that I’m feeling ‘under attack’. The Bible teaches that the forces of this world will fight against the Kingdom of God being grown and I feel like yesterday was a day when I gave up the fight and was battered by them.

I ended the day with prayer… I felt a little better but I left the time with God in faith that He will work.

Let’s hope that I can regain some strength today to do God’s will, to die to myself and take up my cross for Christ…quite literally!

I held auditions tonight for the Lenten reflection ‘Any Given Friday’. Despite a rather poor turn out (1 male and 1 female) it was an encouraging meeting. The poor turn out was due to three issues; 1. The student theatre community is very productive at the moment and so everyone is involved in a show. 2. Not enough preparation and notice given for potential participants. 3. Not a clear communication of the vision. I’ll talk about each of these and what it means in terms of future ministry.

First issue. The theatre community in Durham is very active and is doing some amazing work and great choice of plays. The standard, from what I’ve seen, is very high which is exciting and a great thing to be a part of. This does mean there is an awful lot of competition for people’s time and commitment. If I am to build a community of people who will be committed in some way then what I am doing needs to grab them and excite them. It also means that there needs to be a great deal of time of supporting the work already going on and the people involved. I was involved in a workshop/audition for Durham World Heritage Day today with some members of the student theatre community. It’s a very exciting project and there was a real buzz about the room. It was a great opportunity for furthering my contacts in this community and my name is beginning to be known. The Lenten reflection is a great time for bringing in people who are interested in my ministry and what I am doing with the theatre community. I’d love to be able to make plans for the future so people can start thinking about it now.

Which leads me to my next issue. Because of work and time management issues, I was unable to dedicate my time to the publicity of auditions. This meant that the notice that went out was unclear and mediocre. The other issue was that I started creating this about two or three weeks ago when I was asked. In the theatre world that’s a rehearsal period and so if I was to get a group of actors from a community that didn’t know me I needed to be doing the ground work in January at the latest. Now that I’m getting my name and face around and people are beginning to discover that I’m a Christian training to be a minister, then, if I were to begin something, there would be more chance of people getting involved. As it is, this project had to stand on its own if it was going to attract attention from a busy student theatre community.

Which leads on to my final issue. The vision, in the audition notice, was not communicated clearly. Angela Shia-Jones talks at length about communicating the vision. It is simple marketing of an idea. People need to glimpse some excitement if they are to buy into it. I have never been good at expressing a vision in words. Let me talk and I can paint wonderful pictures and give someone a glimpse of the vision; that’s why preaching, for me, is at the centre of my ministry. I can communicate face to face but in the distanced word plays I struggle. For future ministry there is a necessity for me to meet with people face to face rather than communicate through email or facebook. (Ironic that I’m choosing words to communicate my vision to you!)

Having said all that, the meeting was a real encouragement. Both people got excited about the project and were enthusiastic. One asked if she could invite her friends to come along even though she knew it was a worship service. She is a Christian and is involved in an Easter service so this is a great encouragement and a wonderful new friend who I can talk about theatre and faith with. The other interesting thing about the meeting was the other person who joined us.

Last term I was introduced to this guy in the bar. He was directing his first show at his college and he invited me to come and watch and give him some advice. I duly went and watched. During the performance I reflected on how I was going to do incarnational mission to all these student actors. I could continue to hang around bars where they go after rehearsal but, I thought, in order to talk to them about deeper issues and get to know them and how to minister to them I would need to create a forum for those discussion. The place? The rehearsal room. And so it was, in the darkened theatre during this guy’s show my mind started on a journey which has led me to exploring this relationship between theatre and my ministry. Here he was, sitting, getting involved in my first steps of this journey and he was a catalyst for it.

God’s moving in these people’s lives and I saw a small glimpse of it tonight…

Praise God!

I went to see a play that was part of the Durham Drama Festival tonight. I agreed to go and see this show as a new friend of mine, who I have had the privilege of meeting and chatting with, was the lead. The Durham Drama Festival is a forum for new writing from Durham students. Unfortunately, due to my hectic schedule at the moment, I was unable to see any other shows in the festival (which runs till tomorrow night.) As I sat, alone, in the auditorium fifteen minutes before the show started I started praying. My prayer was that God would speak. I have tended to pray this since becoming a Christian when I go and see shows. I sat and read through the programme for both the festival and the night’s event. I was disappointed when I read:

A Note from the Director: I have decided to stage this play entirely in the nude for the following reasons: to place this production in the great theatrical tradition of on-stage nakedness; to shock complacent and smug audience members such as yourself from the bourgeois assumptions regarding theatre, clothing, propriety, and their habitual juxtaposition; and most importantly, as a gratuitous act of pure theatre, one which has no bearing whatsoever on the plot, character or themes, and is all the more effective because of it. Enjoy.

Oh great, some pompous attempt at edginess! As I sat there and the student populous entered into the auditorium and I saw the relationships and the identities mixing. I heard conversations and caught glimpses of whole worlds as they interacted. At the back of mind I was thinking “What have I got myself into?” I have never been a natural student (partly why I never went to university!) and the student culture and lifestyle is not where I feel ‘at home’ with. There is a big corollary between this community and the acting community; pretence. I guess it’s in all parts of society but in these communities, the student and the arts, it’s flaunted and engaged with, questioned and abused. What do I mean? Well people know the conversation they’re having is fake and they are fake, they are nothing but words. We all (and I involve myself in this)use big words and attempt to prove that we know about things beyond our own intelligence or understanding. They complicate things even further, however, by admitting they know they are fake and are attempting to break with the cultural norm. It gets very confusing!

When I was immersed in the theatre scene I used to feel suffocated with this ‘networking’, lingo, “everyone is performing all the time” attitude and I despised it. Everyone knew they didn’t know who they were and they carried stock personas around and pulled them out at given moments. You could be having a conversation with someone and they were playing the part. It meant relationships were always questionable. You didn’t know where you stood. You judged all conversations: “Are they performing? Are they trying to subvert the knowledge that we have no language in which to speak? What game are they playing?” You tie yourself in knots at the flaunting of philosophical ideals which you don’t understand.

I found myself sitting in a theatre with students who had a passion for performing. I found myself judging each one as fake or phoney and then it hit me… I am just like them! They are searching for who they are and, as a crutch for finding no answers, have decided to embrace that we are nothing and play a game with it to be clever in an attempt at finding meaning. We play games with each other to forward ourselves. We twist convention and play with these rules but we play in order to be edgy. I read again ‘Notes from the director’ and cringed inwardly at the prospect of the attempt that would follow…

The lights fell and rose on a fully clothed cast.

What followed was a fascinating, funny, intricate script being performed by competent performers who added subtlety and depth, never straying to into comedy or tragedy but balancing it nicely. Most impressively, however, they were clothed.

So why the ‘Notes’? It must have been a typo. Maybe it was meant for the next show. Maybe they chickened out of the shock factor for a more real performance… or it was a joke. I read through the ‘Notes’ again and realised the director was satirising the directors who genuinely think that it is clever to just add nudity for no reason… Why did he do it? A joke. It was confusing as it was not in line with the play that it was attached to.

I reflected again at my prejudice on this use of big ideals and philosophical thought and on the people I was among, and myself. We’re all attempting to better ourselves in search of who we are. We play games with life and language in search of something. This whole post, for example, is wrestling with ideas far beyond my intellect and there are seeds of truth in it but it’s far too complicated.

What’s the answer?

Simplicity.

After the show I went to dinner for a friend’s stag do and sat with a fellow ordinand and a new friend of mine who I met at the meal. He is an actor and a Christian. We talked at length about theatre theory and practitioners we liked or didn’t like. We dipped in and out of philosophy and the concept of metaphor in both Shakespeare and the Bible. At the end of it I came away with one conclusion… Claim ignorance and worship God… or as my fellow ordinand rephrased it: Claim ‘innocence’ and worship God.

For the students and the theatre community we can play at intelligence, we can try gain a better understanding of the world but in the end it is nothing compared with the greatness and splendour of the Truth. We cannot contain the Truth merely be blessed when we, by chance, happen to have the privilege of embodying it, something we can not find by a formula or rule. It is grace.

The theatre may be able to speak into the church but theatre needs the truth of the gospel… unless you become like children you will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

And what of God’s current tugs on my heart? It also struck me that if I am to minister to this community of student theatre then there are two elements: yes, there is the theatre aspect to explore, but also the student facet to work into the mix as well. I need to remember that, for this time and in this place, it is students who will be the ones shaping it. What this means in terms of the ministry, I do not know but I must continue to listen…

So Did God speak to me tonight in the theatre? I think so! What did he say? Not absolutely sure but there’s stirring in the heart!

I had a lecture today on women in church leadership. Both lecturers were female ministers, one from the Methodist church the other my Warden at college. It was a predictable agenda and slightly biased as you can imagine as both were pushing women’s’ ministry. I’m not saying that this is a bad agenda to push but in a place of learning where we are shown the situation I would have liked to have seen some opposition. I am very pro-women ministry (probably having grown up in a female dominated household!) So the argument put forward made me just nod my head and say “Yes I get it!” Where, however, was the voice from the opposition? These people who firmly believe women should not have leadership roles in the church, where was their voice? I left the lecture wanting to hear why they believe what they believe…

This is not what I’m wanting to write about so I’ll stop there!

After the lecture a wonderful female colleague of mine exclaimed “No wonder people outside the church think we’re out of touch!” I couldn’t agree with her more but in terms of explaining the politics of the Anglican Church to those who struggle to fit into the religious aspects of our faith, how are we to encourage people to become a part of the church?

I always think of my role as an evangelist is to tell people of the Kingdom of God and to bring them into that. The church is an expression and vehicle for that mission: To get people engaged with the Kingdom of God. ‘Mission Shaped Church’, the most important document to come out of the Anglican Communion on mission certainly this century, talks about the concepts of Kingdom, Church and Mission. The terms are confusingly vague in the document and John Hull has argued against it. My thoughts are that we are called as God’s Church to God’s Mission to further God’s Kingdom and the Kingdom is the end goal.

The theatre community is full of people who are searching for spirituality and are suspicious of religion and establishment. They are a group of people who have deep understanding of the invisible and natural yearnings towards the divine. They are also a group who are almost defined to be radical and fresh and fight against established norms in order to speak into constrictive power structures and give a voice against oppression, etc.

While I sat and listened to two women putting the argument across as to why women should have the call to lead God’s people and they spoke of disagreements and political processes that have hindered the furthering of this issue, I reflected on an artists’ impression of the Church of England. This huge, established, political community could not be any more of a satirical enemy to the small rebellious artistic community. Where do they meet?

In their awareness that there is no good or bad guys. In the appreciation for all voices and an open and honest dialogue. The Church of England is not always good at expressing itself and admitting its need to change. Artists are not always good at patiently listening to other peoples opinions. If we can harness the rebellious and passionate expressions of the artist to the huge political vehicle that is the church we can further God’s Kingdom.

I’m sorry if this post is not as fluid or thought out as previous posts. As way of explanation I’ll explain what’s in front of me; a list of possible prayer stations to use in a prison, a map of Durham cathedral for the Lenten reflection, a proposal for a theatre ministerial placement, a book of dramatic poems to be translated into prose and lots of books on evangelism for an essay… So think of this post as a de-cluttering to prepare for work!