by Hidden Velvet
I’ve tried to be brave
Just as I promised
In those easier times of past.
I’ve tried to be strong
For good and for others
But today I can’t see how it lasts.
The truth is she’s gone
And hears me no more
And conversations have finished for now.
Those songs and the banter
No one else could devise
Are fading so quickly somehow.
“Memories are comfort.”
They say in your grief,
They’re just being helpful, I guess.
But what good is Then
When she lived in the Now
How do I settle for less?
When your grief drags you down
And you fear the dark pool
Of depression and loneliness too,
How do I weep
Those deep private tears
Which she always instinctively knew?
When you don’t want the pity
And the sympathy’s ‘fine’
But all that you need is her kiss,
Sometimes it’s painful
Just sit on your own
As you constantly remember her bliss.
The hope that I spoke
As we waved goodbye,
Is a meal that is meant to sustain.
I’m guessing it’s natural
To feel it get stuck
In my throat as it starts to constrain.
The journey is guesswork
Without her as guesser
And I realise how much I relied
On her simple wisdom
And presence to boot.
So I’m left to guess why she died.
And strong I will be
And brave at times
But today I just want to cry.
It’s healthy, I know,
Ashamed I won’t be
But I have to admit that lied.
I lied to you in truth,
As you struggled to breathe,
I said that I would be fine.
I may well be
In few months time
But for now I’m making your shrine.
That is not healthy.
She’s safely away.
I shouldn’t hold on, I know.
But just for the moment
I need a quick fix
And so I succumb to not letting go.
Written as I sat near my wife’s grave on Wednesday 25th July 2018; the first time since her funeral.